Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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