I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
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