Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
