I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
