I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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