his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
