I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
