Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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