Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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