i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Farmville is her only friend.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
