And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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