my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
