The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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