Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
