my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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