ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
