I just cut my nipple shaving
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
