He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
