Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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