Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
