Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
