so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
