I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
