The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
