ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
