You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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