I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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