whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
