I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
