she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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