You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Randomize
