so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
