I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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