She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
