someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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