last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
