getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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