My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
