I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
