Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
