so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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