obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
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