I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
