decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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