I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
