dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
