why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
