I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
