I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Randomize
