Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
